my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
