I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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