You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
