forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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