i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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