I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
