I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
