Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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