yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I puked a lego.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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