i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
