the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found the puke drawer
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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