maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
