i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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