I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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