i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
