If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
