Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Of course I have a pirate flag
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
