I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
