Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
