now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
