Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
