u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
