Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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