Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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