There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I want a musical about memes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
