Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Vodka?
Forever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
