Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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