Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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