at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
