God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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