Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
