a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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