You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
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i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.