So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
