dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
