I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
