Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
