between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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