she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
