mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
