I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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