I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
