you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am one with the molecules
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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