I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
