jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
