i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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