Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
