Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
