And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
