So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
