new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
