he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
